TO: Ichiro, Incidental Padding Accounting Department
FROM: Leonidas & Graymael, Incidental Padding Roving Reporters
SUBJECT: Expense Voucher from Ides of March
Dear Ichiro-Sama,
Below are the detailed explanations you requested of the Voucher submitted by us for our expenses related to writing the article on "The Ides of March I" for Incidental Padding. If you have any further questions, please follow up with us quickly; otherwise, we expect our reimbursement (in gold coin) to be delivered in next week's mail.
SINcerely,
Leonidas & Graymael
REIMBURSEMENT REQUESTED: $0.63
EXPLANATION: Need to replace the nock from one arrow. See, one half of the nock broke off early in the fighting on Saturday...but we kept using it, because you COULD fire it, if you were careful and realized the nock was split. But then an enemy would pick it up, slip it on their bowstring, and BOING! The arrow would misfire, resulting in much hilarity. It's the Dagorhir combat equivalent of a whoopee cushion!
ITEM: Pair of replacement drawers.
REIMBURSEMENT REQUESTED: $3.16
EXPLANATION: There was this troll shaman named Koom Di Puts. He decided that being an assassin sounded fun. Subtlety was his Achilles heel. When he learned his mark's name, he began to shout it at the top of his lungs. "Nihr!! Nihr!!" Well as luck would have it, Nihr drove up and saw all of us laughing at Koom. So Koom stuck his head into the truck and said, "Are you Nihr?" Yes came the reply and Koom said "Good to meet you." As Nihr stuck his hand out in anticipation of a friendly shake, Koom bounced a rock off his head. And that is when it happened. That's when I wet myself.
ITEM: Meals at on-site diner
REIMBURSEMENT REQUESTED: $24
EXPLANATION: Aw, come on! They had a freakin' DINER on-site! Imagine coming off the field, exhausted and hungry, knowing that the feast won't start for several hours...and you see a sign reading, "Cheeseburger $3." HOT FOOD. ‘Nuff said.
ITEM: Rental Car
REIMBURSEMENT REQUESTED: $14,214
EXPLANATION: Your comment when we originally submitted this read, "Fourteen thousand dollars for a RENTAL car?!!!! You could BUY a car for $14k!" Well, you're right. See, Graymael rented a car. But it got pretty cold at night at Ides. People did lots of strange things to stay warm - burning huge fires, huddling together in groups, rubbing two Greygladers together, etc. One night, Graymael got back to his car to find it infested with horrible, stinking pests - the Order. So he did what any gods-fearing Dagorhir would do...took a can of Super Spray 77 and a cigarette lighter and made a makeshift flamethrower to chase the infestation out of the car. So, yeah, $14,214 DOES buy a whole car. Next time, we promise to get the extra insurance on the rental car. Promise.
ITEM: Band-aid
REIMBURSEMENT REQUESTED: $0.18
EXPLANATION: Graymael wore the skin off his bow-finger. Let's face it, Graymael's been shooting pretty much since the day after someone invented the bow...but the fighting on Saturday was so intense and so fun, no one wanted to stop. So even Graymael's crusty, nasty, calloused skin just wore away.
Teams changed all day so everyone got to fight with/against everyone else. Units and Chapters included: Greyglade, Luk Savat, High Spires, Aratari, Eryndor, Dark Angels, and guests from Dur-Demarion (Koom and a couple of DA, Blixx and Snotbelly). We fought lots of two-team field battles; three-team battles; Thermopylae; a long two-team three-point rez battle. All intense, all clean, all WAY fun. And the Gifts from the Gods from the night before were all "in play." For the record, Reiniph (wearing the Belt of Hercules, which doubled the power of any weapon he used) ran around all afternoon spearing people and yelling, "Quad Green! Quad Green!"
ITEM: Trip to the emergency room to set a broken nose.
REIMBURSEMENT REQUESTED: $234.14
EXPLANATION: Blame Drunky MacDrunkdrunk. Saturday night. Drummers. Bonfire. BIG Bonfire. Drunk people decide they need to start fire-jumping.
We're not talking about a campfire. We're talking about a BIG bonfire. When they see drunk people trying (more or less successfully) to leap over the fire, Leonidas and Sir Kirin (the event coordinators) run over and say, "Stop being idiots; we're not going to let you ruin OUR fun by making us drive you to the Emergency Room."
One of the erstwhile fire-jumpers decides to debate. His argument in favor of allowing drunk people to hurl themselves over four-foot flames? "Hey, we signed waivers."
That's when Graymael snuck up between the drunks and started thumping Sir Kirin in the chest with a finger, slurring, "Whee paid good money t'be here and you hhhave no rhight to be such a buzzkill..." (Prompting Linwe, who overheard the exchange, to say, "I think I hear Drunky MacDrunkdrunk!")
And THAT'S when Sir Kirin socked Graymael in the nose, laying him out cold and silencing the would-be human torches.
ITEM: Sensitivity Training.
REIMBURSEMENT REQUESTED: $69
EXPLANATION: I, Leonidas roving reporter, had the privilege of covering the gladiator games. During said games, a friend of mine was thrown into the ring with Liika. He had requested a nice sword from the gods with which he could slay his next opponent. Upon seeing it was only a girl, he withdrew the request and sufficed with only his dagger. But Graymael pointed out that my friend was unable to count because as surely as the dirt was red there were two girls. My friend properly thanked Graymael for the matching set of ladies and proceeded to blow kisses when a third nubile warrior stepped into the ring. It looked like my friend was about to become a three trick pony. His smile was splitting his face and then the girls totally split his giblets. A more ferocious pounding this reporter has yet to see. After my friend was quickly killed, his body was defiled for no less than fifteen minutes with multiple sword strokes and fanny smashes. When nothing but a red stained pile of victimized goo remained, the girls strutted from the field like so many peahens. The level of depravity and shameless disregard for equality and gender friendly policies displayed by Graymael and these three vixens, has prompted me to action. I enrolled Graymael and the three assailants into sensitivity training at a cost of 69 dollars. I am also considering legal action. I hear that D.S. Thunder esquire comes cheap.
ITEM: Policy premium for crucifiction insurance.
REIMBURSEMENT REQUESTED: $1542.64
EXPLANATION: Seosamh MacSeafra, the celt, the hater of Romans, the wearer of kilts, the bearer of braces, the peanut shield basher, displayed his hatred for Rome by hunting down the two Romans who graciously attended our event. In cold blood he slew them, often from the back. These Romans had done him no wrong, but Seosamh held them to task for the policies of their government. Seosamh repeatedly sought out the Romans at the expense of closer and easier targets. Often, his singular focus was contrary to his teams overall goals for victory. When questioned, his only explanation was that he was a Celt, and Celts hate Romans. This burning hatred has earned him a berth on a cross. At the time of this writing, his crucifiction is solely dependent upon his mother's approval to attend Ragnarok.
ITEM: Bleach (one gallon)
REIMBURSEMENT REQUESTED: $3.47
EXPLANATION: Well, we couldn't let him be called "Ser Kneefers the BROWN," could we? See, they held the Gladiator Games inside the pole-barn on Friday night. Unlike outside, where it had rained earlier in the day, it had not rained inside the pole-barn on account of the barn had a roof. Are you with us so far? So the ground inside the pole-barn was dry. Dry and powdery. And Georgia is famous for its red clay soil.
The Gladiator Games featured lots of intense combat...not FAIR, but intense. Like a fighter with a javelin thrown into the pit against 4 kobolds (guys on their knees with short blue weapons). A rhino (guy with a dagger on his head, who only died if you hit his torso three times) attacked one fighter. Another Gladiator had to face an Armadillo - Leonidas armed (illegally yet humorously) with two shields and no weapon. That guy got smashed around the arena until he succeeded in wresting one shield from the Armadillo.
The gods (Hera, Zeus, Athena, and Apollo) decreed that there should be a fight for women only - and the ladies of Dagorhir (plus Dudley in drag with rocks in his bra) complied. Oh, and Ori went out and fought as Dudley at one point...and nobody noticed because of his flawless, flouncing fakery.
What does this have to do with Ser Kneefers? We're getting to that.
The gods then decreed that there should be snow - a Dagorhir Snowball Fight. About 15 warriors entered the ring...and were showered with javelins and rocks. In a Snowball Fight, all weapons must be thrown to count - no stabs with javelins. Soon, bodies littered the red clay fighting ring as fighters ducked, threw, and dodged. Finally, only two fighters lived; one gimped (kneeling by the dramatically dead Ser Kneefers) and another on his feet. The standing fighter hurled a javelin; the legged fighter dodged...and thus the javelin slammed into the rather sensitive and unsuspecting rich chewy center of the (still) dead Ser Kneefers.
Kneefers let out a howl of surprise and re-doubled up, rolling around in the red, red clay. When the Pit Wranglers dragged his body out of the ring, Ser Kneefer's once-white tunic was a rich, brownish-red. Then he sneezed, and a clay pot came out of his nose.
At the end of the Games, the gods bestowed gifts to the fighters who had pleased them the most:
- - Reiniph won the belt of Hercules;
- - Liika received the Ring of Loki;
- - Slouch earned Apollo's Quiver; and
- - Ser Kneefers the (at that point) Brown was awarded the Pouch of Freya